I
never thought I’d end up marrying my former best friend’s husband.
In
their Halloween class picture, our preschoolers are standing side-by-side dressed
as Batman and a ballerina. I have photos of their son giving my youngest a
bottle, and of our six kids hanging out in the hot tub at Sugarloaf while the
guys played golf. Over the years my friend and I logged countless hours confiding
in and commiserating with each other. When both our marriages went south, I found
myself looking at Batman’s dad in a whole new light. And, evidently, vice
versa.
But
how to break the news to someone with whom you’ve shared everything from babies
to book groups that you’re about to take sharing to a whole new level? I knew
she had moved on romantically so there was no residual torch-holding, but
still.
Heart
pounding, I finally just blurted it out over the phone and braced for the
backlash.
My
parents split up when I was 13. None of my friends came from a so-called broken
home so I don’t know if theirs was a typical divorce. I do know that afterwards
they barely spoke to each other. At least they weren’t fighting. During our awkward,
infrequent visits with Dad after he moved out, his new wife would greet me and
my sister by growling “John, get the girls a drink.” (Couldn’t she?) While our
stepmother wasn’t exactly wicked, she certainly wasn’t warm and fuzzy. And we
never really bonded with our new half-sister.
Brad
and my old friend (fondly referred to as the FW, for First Wife) have adopted a
more modern approach; they occasionally email, text, and even talk. Long before
he and I were invited to celebrate her second marriage--to a likeable guy
Brad’s brother nicknamed Buzz, as in Lightyear--I’d stopped worrying she and I
would lose touch. We all get together regularly, for weddings, birthdays, baptisms,
their annual Christmas party. Did I mention we used to attend the same church? Soon
after Brad and I became a couple he spotted me and his first wife laughing and
looking his way during coffee hour. He quipped to his fellow choir-mates, “that
can’t possibly be good.”
Unlike
me, the FW stayed in close contact with her former in-laws. Even after her first
marriage fizzled, she and Brad’s mother remained the best of friends. The fact
that his mom crocheted afghans for Buzz’s entire family was my first hint. The chummy
gatherings I saw on Facebook confirmed it. As a 21-year-old bride whose parents
lived overseas, the FW had eagerly embraced her new in-laws. And Brad’s mother,
blessed with four boys, had been thrilled to welcome another female into the fray.
Meanwhile,
Brad and Buzz high-five over backyard horseshoes and beer pong, and he and his
former brother-in-law exchange pie recipes, power tools, and bad jokes. One
Easter I found myself sprawled on a sofa saying “cheese” with my husband’s daughter,
niece, ex-sister-in-law, and former spouse. What happened to the time-honored
tradition of taking sides after a breakup? It’s all very cozy, if somewhat
unconventional. As my youngest child observed, “just so you know, Mom, it’s not
normal.”
Certainly
not in my experience. But I’m impressed that my two long-time friends, post-divorce,
have decided to bury the hatchet, not hurl it. And I know that their two adult
children, who see them continue to parent, grandparent, and party together,
appreciate it too.
Brad
and I finally tied the knot, after 13 years. As our first anniversary
approaches, my husband is about to embark on a three-week, 3000-mile
transatlantic sail with my daughter Abby, her
new husband, and another couple. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about blended
families, new beginnings, and the unexpected twists and turns one’s life can
take.
The
Minuteman Library Network has an abundance of books on all the above, including
dozens on surviving divorce emotionally, financially, and even spiritually. I
was encouraged by the number of titles with a decidedly positive focus. I don’t
know if Brad and the FW read any of these books, but they might have: Co-parenting
101: Practical Advice from a Formerly Married Couple,” by Deesha Philyaw and
Michael D. Thomas, or ”Befriending Your Ex After Divorce: Making Life Better
for You, Your Kids, and Yes, Your Ex” by Judith Ruskay Rabinor.
Other
resources for moving on after marriage include “Connect: How to Love and Accept
Yourself after Divorce,” by Dawn Burnett, and “Daily Meditations for Healing
from Divorce: Discovering the New You” by Marlene A. Pontrelli. And although this
ship has already sailed for me, I got caught up in “Crazy Time: Surviving
Divorce and Building a New Life” by Abigail Trafford.
Another
title that drew my attention was “Falling Apart in One Piece: One Optimist’s
Journey through the Hell of Divorce” by the former editor in chief of Redbook magazine. When I opened the
book, three beautiful postcards of Bath Abbey fell out. I regretted not having stopped
in Bath with Brad on our road trip to Cornwall last spring, after Abby’s
wedding in the Cotswolds, so I took it as a sign. I wasn’t going to bypass that
book as well. Stacy Morrison’s story, so different from my own, was both
heartbreaking and inspiring.
The
FW texted me recently, excited about meeting their son’s new girlfriend, and
what did I think of the latest Elin Hilderbrand? I wrote back right away. More
than 30 years after we first met at story time at the Westwood Library, she and
I are still friends, with more in common than we ever could have imagined.
